In a move that has legal scholars, political pundits, and at least three traffic cops scratching their heads, President Donald J. Trump announced today that he’s personally taking over law enforcement duties in Washington, D.C.
“This is tremendous news for America,” Trump declared from the steps of the Capitol, wearing a police hat that looked suspiciously like a red MAGA cap that had been spray-painted navy blue. “We have the best police now, folks. The BEST. Nobody enforces the law better than me. Believe me, I’ve been dodging it for decades.”
Trump’s first order of business as Commander-in-Chief-and-Chief-of-Police was to introduce a brand-new policing strategy called Stop and Compliment. “We stop you on the street, tell you how great you look, maybe how tremendous your shoes are, and then—if you’re a Democrat—arrest you anyway,” Trump explained. “It’s friendly, it’s classy, it’s the art of the deal… but with handcuffs.”
The Trump Patrol
Flanked by his newly appointed Deputy Commissioner, Rudy Giuliani (armed only with a Sharpie and a half-finished glass of Merlot), Trump unveiled the Trump Patrol—a fleet of gold-plated golf carts retrofitted with sirens that play “Macho Man” by the Village People.
“These will replace all those boring black-and-white cars,” Trump boasted. “Black and white is very low energy. We’re going with gold and platinum. It’s more presidential. The criminals will see them coming and say, ‘Wow, I’m about to be arrested by success.’”
The police uniforms have also received a dramatic makeover. Officers are now required to wear bright red ties, spray tans, and what Trump called “power hair.” When asked what that meant, he smiled knowingly and whispered, “Thicker than the truth at a press conference.”
A New Approach to Crime
Under Trump’s law-enforcement vision, every crime gets a ratings review before arrest. “We’re not wasting my time on low-rating crimes,” Trump said. “Graffiti? Boring. Littering? Sad. But grand theft limousine? Now that’s a season finale.”
White-collar criminals will be prosecuted on a new reality court show called You’re Indicted!, hosted by Trump himself. “It’ll be huge,” he promised. “We’ll have juries, applause breaks, and very fair trials where the winner gets a signed copy of The Art of the Deal and the loser goes straight to jail. No appeals—appeals are for losers.”
Reimagining the Justice Department
The Justice Department building has been temporarily renamed The Department of Just Us. Trump says this is to “cut down on confusion” and “make it clear who’s really in charge.” A giant golden “T” now hangs over the entrance, replacing the traditional seal.
Former FBI agents have been reassigned to Special Investigations Into People Who Don’t Clap Enough at My Speeches. Trump insists this is crucial to national security. “You never know who’s plotting against you,” he warned. “If they won’t clap, maybe they’re stealing your ketchup packets. We have to be vigilant.”
Public Reaction
Reactions across D.C. have been mixed. One local man said, “I’m not sure how I feel about the President personally pulling people over in a golf cart.” Another commented, “At least my parking tickets now come with an autograph.”
Meanwhile, crime statistics have gotten… creative. Official reports show a 200% drop in “fake crimes” and a 300% increase in arrests for “bad vibes.” When pressed for clarification, Press Secretary Sean Spicer (back for “one more big job”) shrugged and said, “It’s the new math.”
The Future of Trump Law Enforcement
As Trump wrapped up his first day on the beat, he announced his next big idea: building a wall—not on the southern border, but around Georgetown cupcake shops. “It’s a crime scene in there,” he said. “Those cupcakes are too good. People are addicted. We need border security for frosting.”
Whether this bold takeover will bring law and order or just law and Trump-order remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: the sirens in Washington, D.C. have never sounded quite so… fabulous.
“Mark my words,” Trump said, climbing into his gold golf cart and revving the engine. “We’re going to make arrests great again. And I might even pardon myself if I get carried away.”
