In a farewell speech so dramatic it could have been directed by Michael Bay, outgoing President Joe Biden sounded the alarm about America’s looming transformation into an oligarchy—as if the oligarchs hadn’t already been hosting dinner parties on private yachts for decades.
According to Biden, the future belongs to the ultra-rich, a chilling prophecy that must have come as a shock to… absolutely no one. For years, America has been the land of the free, home of the brave, and playground of the billionaires. But Biden’s warning hinted at an even darker future, one where Elon Musk might one day serve as Donald Trump’s Secretary of Space Memes.
Let’s be real, folks. This oligarchy thing? It’s not exactly breaking news. The Supreme Court officially signed America’s oligarchic lease back in 2010 with Citizens United. That decision basically said, “Hey corporations, why don’t you make it rain on your favorite candidates? And don’t worry about that pesky little thing called democracy.” It’s like giving billionaires a cheat code for politics. Up, up, down, down, left, right, select: BOUGHT.
But Biden calling out the oligarchy now is a bit like a firefighter showing up to a barbecue and shouting, “Hey, you know what causes fires? Charcoal!” Joe, buddy, the grill’s been lit for centuries. You can’t have a country founded by powdered-wig-wearing aristocrats who owned slaves and didn’t trust commoners to elect a president and then act surprised when the rich still run the show.
The Electoral College—you know, that quirky little system where your vote counts less if you live in the wrong zip code? Yeah, that’s a relic of the original oligarchy deal. It’s like having a group project where the kid who shows up late gets half the grade. And let’s not forget that the Founding Fathers—many of whom were slave owners—probably envisioned America as less of a democracy and more of an exclusive club. Membership fees: land, money, and questionable morals.
Biden’s speech also left a burning question: is the oligarchy about to get worse, or is he just nostalgic for the good ol’ days when oligarchs wore top hats instead of owning Twitter? The rise of tech billionaires means America’s elite aren’t just rich; they’re algorithmically rich. They don’t just own mansions; they own your data, your attention span, and possibly your grandma’s Facebook account.
So, what’s Biden’s solution? Well, he didn’t actually give one. Classic Biden move. It’s like pointing out a fire without bothering to grab a hose. Maybe he thinks we’ll rise up as a nation of brave citizens, armed with nothing but hope and maybe a Netflix documentary about inequality. Or maybe he’s just resigned to the fact that America’s been an oligarchy since day one, and the only thing new is how fast Elon Musk can make headlines.
In the end, Biden’s speech was less a warning and more of a Captain Obvious moment. Oligarchy isn’t coming. It’s been here all along, sipping champagne and laughing at the rest of us as we CashApp each other $5 for coffee.
So buckle up, America. The oligarchy train isn’t stopping anytime soon. And if you’re lucky, maybe Elon Musk will tweet your name from the caboose.
