Move over Peloton, because farming is about to become America’s hottest fitness craze! In the wake of Donald Trump’s dream big, deport bigger immigration agenda, we’re left with one pressing question: who’s going to pick the strawberries?
For decades, America’s agriculture industry has thrived on the tireless labor of migrant workers, many of whom live in fear of deportation. But fear not, dear citizens! With a little elbow grease and a whole lotta patriotism, we can Make America Farm Again!
Enter: The MAGA Strawberry Picker™
Imagine legions of red-hat-wearing volunteers heading to the fields, armed with sunscreen, lawn chairs, and an uncanny ability to tell others to “work harder.” They’ll trade in their golf clubs for hoes (the farming kind, relax) and their Twitter rants for the soft serenade of country music wafting through the berry fields.
Job Perks for American Farmers:
- Free Gym Membership: Who needs CrossFit when you’ve got strawberry baskets? Every squat to pick a berry is a squat closer to that six-pack. (No, not Bud Light.)
- Influencer Heaven: Instagram is going to LOVE those dirt-covered selfies with captions like, “Harvest Hustle 💪🍓 #FieldGoals.”
- A Real Tan: Forget spray-on tans, folks. The farm sun provides that authentic orange glow politicians dream of.
But Wait, There’s More!
Turns out, the current labor shortage isn’t just about strawberries. Think oranges, lettuce, apples…basically, the whole produce aisle is in trouble. But don’t worry, we hear AI robots are making progress! Unfortunately, they’re still figuring out the difference between a strawberry and a rock, so for now, it’s up to you, patriotic human!
What Can You Do?
- Sign up for the “Pick Your Own Freedom” farm program. It’s like a farmers market, but you’re the farmer!
- Start training now. Pro tip: hold a laundry basket and squat repeatedly.
- Petition Congress to create the “Berry Big Stimulus”—subsidies for every American who successfully picks 10 pounds of strawberries.
So, while we wait for drones to replace humans in the fields, get ready to roll up your sleeves and pick those berries! And if all else fails, there’s always Canada—they love strawberries and know how to pick their battles.
Editor’s Note: No actual strawberries were harmed in the writing of this article. But if you see a strawberry crying, give it a hug.
